It’s the hardest lessons that stick. Pain has a lasting impact, doesn’t it? Like putting your hand on a hot stove, any lesson that comes with pain is going to be a lesson you don’t forget. But like any hard lessons in life, these are also how you grow, and learn, and get stronger.
I’m going to share 7 of the most painful lessons I’ve learned this year, in hopes that maybe you can avoid some of the suffering.
BUT (as any of you with teenagers know all too well) people don’t usually learn from others’ mistakes. They’ve gotta find out for themselves. So I hope that at least, if you’re in the thick of the painful lesson, that you feel a little bit less alone. And also that you might take away a bit of hope that you’re going to be okay.
1. Some relationships are Going to get worse
When you start healing yourself and making necessary changes to support your recovery, your relationships are going to change. As a rule, the closer and more important the relationship, the more it’s going to change. And it’s not always for the better.
You’re going to realize that some of the people closest to you are actually just as dysfunctional as you were.
They might not be abusing alcohol, but they’ve got other unhealthy ways of being in the relationship that just don’t fit with the new, healing version that you’re bringing to the table. You’re going to start realizing that you and your drinking were only 50% of the problem – and for things to move forward, the other person is going to have to start working on their 50%.
If they don’t work to heal too, you’re going to be faced with a really hard decision.
2. You can’t get someone sober
No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much experience and wisdom you have to share, you’re not going to be able drag a person into recovery with you.
You can say all the right things. You can hold their hand every day. You can model all the right behaviors. None of this matters if they are not ready to do the work to get sober. There are going to be people that want to get sober, that are slowly destroying their health and their lives, that just are’t at the point where they’re willing to do whatever it takes to stop drinking.
And all you can do is love them through it.
All you can do is be ready to support them when they are finally really ready to make sobriety the most important thing in their life. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone go back and forth, back and forth, stuck in the rinse-repeat cycle of drinking. But you will never be able to save them. They have to save themselves.
3. Most friendships are temporary
Some people are meant to be in your life forever. Others are only meant to be there for a season. And like coming to the end of a book that you loved, there’s sadness there.
When I first quit drinking, I poured all of my energy into creating a tribe of people that I could talk to – a community where we all leaned on one another, and created some of the most beautiful friendships. For the first time in my life, I felt loved for who I was – and I had the capacity to love others for who they were, too. As we all made our way along the path of sobriety, many of our paths split off in different directions. Needs start changing, energy starts going to different places. Three years in, and my circle looks so different.
A couple of those friendships stuck. Most of them fizzled.
We might catch up a couple times a year, but it’s not with the closeness that it had in the beginning. There’s a definite sadness there, as I realize how small my circle has gotten.
4. Boundaries fucking hurt
“Boundaries” is one of the new favorite buzzwords in mental health and addiction recovery circles. And I feel like boundaries are made out to be these wonderful, happy things that are so empowering and freeing that sometimes we don’t talk enough about how much they hurt. Setting a boundary means telling someone what you will and will not accept, letting them know what you’ll do if the boundary is crossed, and then following through.
And following through with that consequence can often feel like it is literally ripping your heart from your chest.
You’ll fight with yourself until you’re dizzy and exhausted, wondering if you should change that boundary, give them a second chance, or if you really do need to follow through in order to respect yourself. You’ll be drowning in self doubt, guilt, sometimes shame, and so much fear. So while boundaries are an important step in creating a healthy life, they are also sometimes going to feel like they are destroying you from the inside out.
Being in a healthy relationship means both people are able to set and maintain boundaries. And finding yourself on the other side of boundary setting can also be painful. It comes with feelings of anger and resentment, confusion and hurt. All the tough emotions that you avoided for so long must now be confronted head on – and there’s nothing about it that feels warm and fuzzy.
5. Faking anything is going to make you really, really uncomfortable
The longer you live in a state of authenticity (which is absolutely necessary in recovery) the more you’re going to struggle to be fake.
Showing up to a family event, and trying to fill the same role in your family that you’ve always filled is going to make you want to crawl out of your skin. Trying to force yourself to feel something you truly don’t feel is going to make you feel like you’re taking an an axe to the authenticity you’ve worked so hard to build. Trying to exist in an inauthentic way for any amount of time is going to start deteriorating your mental health in a way that becomes dangerous to your sobriety.
It feels like you’re undoing all the hard work you’ve been pouring your heart and soul into.
The more you’re in tune with who you really are, what your values and beliefs are – the harder it’s going to be to keep pretending.
That’s not a bad thing – it shows that you’re getting stronger and stronger in your own sense of self. But honoring that discomfort by showing up authentically can and will bring pain along with it.
6. You’re going to disappoint people. A lot.
If you’re a people pleaser, you’re going to start disappointing people and it is going to feel like a punch in the gut, every single time. At least, until it gets easier.
The little disappointments aren’t so bad – things like saying no to being on the PTA, or skipping a girls’ night, or stepping down from that committee you never really wanted to be on. But some of the ways you disappoint people are going to feel mighty big, and it’s gonna bring a whole pile of guilt pouring down on top of you that you’re going to have to wade through and reconcile.
The longer you’re sober, the more changes you’re going to make. The more you’re going to stop tolerating things. The more you’re going to disappoint people. And the bigger those disappointments are going to feel. It’s a good time to check in with yourself, make sure you’re honoring yourself and your values, and then proceed as needed. It’s not your job to keep people comfortable – that’s their responsibility.
7. There’s more to grieve about your past than you realize
There’s this thing we do in recovery where we ask ourselves over and over again, “Why am I the way I am?” It’s a healthy, necessary question that we must continue asking, so that we can understand our actions and reactions, and make changes accordingly.
But the more you ask yourself that question, the more you’re going to get answers you weren’t expecting.
I was adopted at birth. I was raised in a private Christian school. My parents loved me dearly, but they were emotionally unavailable. None of those things felt terribly impactful. I had a great childhood. But the more I work on understanding and healing myself, the more I see the impact those things had on my mental and emotional wellbeing, and then I find myself having to deal with anger and grief I didn’t even know existed.
Dealing with that anger and grief is how you move past it… but it hurts like hell when you’re in the thick of it.
The painful lessons are where the growth is.
We used alcohol to avoid emotional discomfort for so long – and in doing so, we avoided any of these lessons, any of this growth. Growing is how we create a life where alcohol becomes obsolete. So while the lessons hurt… don’t avoid them. Walk into them knowing you’re strong enough to handle them, and that you’ll be even stronger on the other side.
Hard lessons hurt, but they’re worth the pain.
What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned in sobriety? Share your story in the comments!
Julie Miller, RCP is a certified recovery coach. After a decade of too much drinking, she found her way into an alcohol free life and is now thriving. Her recovery is founded in overcoming shame, finding her authentic self, and creating a life so full there’s no space left for alcohol. Through her coaching, podcasting, and the recovery community she has built, Julie has found her purpose in helping others find their way out of addiction and into a meaningful, purpose filled life of freedom.
This is the reality of long term recovery. It will be lonely at times.
Absolutely. Although if I’m honest, I was pretty lonely when I was drinking, too. Surrounded by people… but still lonely. Being sober has taught me how to show up authentically, and actually make real friends – even if there are fewer of them. 🙂