7 Ways High Achieving women are Sabotaging their self Worth

I’ve always been a perfectionist. A high achiever. And I’ve also always struggled silently with low self worth.

And then I realized that I was the reason it was so low.

“I have such a good life. Why do I feel so bad about myself?”

For seventeen years, I’ve been a stay at home, homeschooling mom, running a small homestead farm on 40 acres in Colorado with my husband and two kids. On the outside, my life looked idyllic. On the inside though, I was drowning in shame, self hatred, and suffering from a very dark depression (and very serious drinking problem) that no one ever saw.

My self worth was non-existent. I knew it was a problem.

I was actively trying to make it better, but what I didn’t know was that all the things I thought I was doing to make it better were actually making it worse. It took me over 20 years to finally understand what I was doing wrong, and what to do instead.

More than anything, I want you to know what it feels like to lay your head on your pillow at night, knowing in your heart that you truly love who you are. So I’m going to share everything I’ve learned about self worth, in hopes that you can learn these lessons earlier than I did.

Here’s how I was unknowingly destroying my self Worth:

Mistake #1: I tried to hide my flaws so people would think I was more likeable.

Like any human, I have a long list of imperfections. And like many humans, I thought they made me less worthy of love. So I hid them. I never let anyone know that sometimes I was so stressed out I cried in the bathroom for an hour. If I made any little mistake, I made sure I fixed it and covered it up as fast as I could so no one would know. I acted like I was the perfect parent, and then sometimes lost it on my kids – like really lost it. And the biggest ‘flaw’ of all – I did everything necessary to make sure no one ever saw how much I drank.

Mistake #2: I didn’t speak up for myself

I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. I didn’t want to make anyone mad.

When someone said something hurtful, I just quietly accepted it. When girls’ night conversation turned to gossiping about others, I just laughed along instead of speaking up about how gossip makes me uncomfortable. When I was given more than my fair share of the workload for a committee I was on, I gritted my teeth and figured out how to handle it without complaint. When I didn’t really want to go to the party, I told myself to stop being selfish, and I went anyway. Even when my teens were disrespectful, I often just stayed quiet to keep the peace.

Mistake #3: I made ridiculous goals I could never meet

In a desperate attempt to feel better about myself, I’d make list after list of ways I was going to “improve myself.” I’d get up early, have the house clean by 7, exercise for 45 minutes every day, eat more vegetables, organize everything, put my kids in more activities, etc. All things to prove to the world and myself that I was ‘worthy’. There was no way I would ever keep up. I would fail… and then remind myself that I was a failure.

Mistake #4: I tried to meet every expectation, all the time.

I wanted so desperately to always be liked – because being liked was supposed to mean I could feel good about myself, right? So I hustled. I figured out what everyone expected me (or made assumptions, if I didn’t actually know) and contorted myself into whatever I needed to, to meet those expectations. Somewhere along the line, I got the message that if someone is disappointed in you, it meant you weren’t worthy of their love. So I hustled to make sure no one was ever disappointed… at the cost of often disappointing myself.

Mistake #5: I made myself look perfect on Facebook.

Every post was carefully curated to show my 500 friends how great my life was. How talented my children were. How much fun my life was. How productive I was. I over achieved in every area of my life, just so I’d have pictures to put on Facebook. Because then people could tell me what an amazing mom I was, how inspiring I was.

Mistake #6: I based my self worth on my kids

There’s this implied belief in some of the circles I was a part of that your worth and value depends on how your children behave, and how they “turn out”. When my kids were behaving well; when they were doing well in school; when they were doing photo-worthy things that I could share on Facebook, I felt good about myself. When they were being anything less than perfect, I felt like a failure. That wasn’t unfair to just me – that was unfair to my kids.

Mistake #7: I compared myself to everyone else

The thing about comparing ourselves to others is that we’re only comparing our whole story to their highlight reel. As a society (and I wish this was different) everyone tends to only show the world the good stuff – the successes, the smiles, and the parts that are picture perfect. So while we see both our flaws and our strengths, we generally only see the strengths that others choose to show us. Of course, every time we compare, we’re always going to come up short.

What does each of these mistakes have in common?

They are outward-focused. They depend on someone else to make you feel worthy.

External validation will never, ever increase your self worth. It’ll only leave you exhausted, frustrated, and discouraged.

I finally decided to take responsibility for my own self worth instead of leaving it in other’s hands.

Here are the Actions I took that actually increased my self worth.

These are steps that anyone can take, that will have an almost immediate positive impact on the way you feel about yourself.

Action #1: I quit drinking.

My alcohol use was out of control. More importantly – I kept telling myself I would stop, but never actually did. I’d always drink again. Breaking that promise to myself over and over eroded my self worth. When I finally decided it was no longer an option to break that promise to myself, the erosion stopped.

Action #2: I started speaking up for myself.

I know it’s not easy. It’s going to take all the courage you can possibly muster at first. But when you finally do, things start shifting. Tell someone when they hurt your feelings, and ask that they not say that again. Ask to change the subject, or choose to walk away when the topic turns to something you don’t want to be a part of. If something isn’t fair, ask that changes be made to even things out. If staying home will make you more comfortable – stay home.

There’s balance of course, and things won’t always go the way you want them to. But standing up for yourself sends a loud and clear message to your heart: My feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. I deserve to feel valued and respected.

Action #3: I started setting tiny goals and meeting them consistently.

My favorite way of doing this – each morning, I make a list of three very realistic goals that I can achieve that day. That means that each day, I build my self worth just a little bit. I’ve stopped with big, impossible goals, and outcomes that aren’t realistic. I’ve made every goal I set achievable.

Action #4: I determined what I expect of myself, and I focus on meeting those expectations.

Everyone has expectations of you. Whether or not you meet those has no effect on your self esteem. What does have a massive impact on your self esteem is whether or not you’re meeting your own expectations of yourself. I sat down and made a list for each “role” I play in my life. What are my (reasonable) expectations of myself as a mother? As a wife? As a member of my community? As a friend? If it’s hard to figure out what is truly reasonable – ask yourself what you would tell a friend.

Action #5: I figured out what my needs are, and started meeting them.

I had devoted my life to meeting all of the needs of others, while ignoring my own needs entirely. This is not how humans are meant to function. The result is resentment, depression, and burnout. No one else is as desperate to meet your needs as your are to meet theirs. And they’re not supposed to be. I spent some time learning about emotional needs, recognizing which of my needs weren’t being met, and found ways to meet them. When our needs are met, it’s so much easier to take care of others around us from a place of love, not resentment.

Action #6: I let myself be seen – flaws and all.

This was maybe the scariest thing I’d ever done. I started talking about my alcohol addiction more openly. I let people come to my house, even when it was a mess. I tried new things, even when I wasn’t very good at them. I left the house without makeup on. I shared embarrassing stories with a friend instead of trying to hide the experience and pretend it never existed. I talked about my mistakes instead of burying them in shame. The benefit of this was two-fold: I allowed myself to be truly loved for who I was, instead of the fake version I gave to the world. I also started developing very real friendships, and no longer felt nearly so lonely.

Action #7: I found healthy ways to compare myself.

As humans, we naturally compare ourselves. It’s an innate part of how we learn to function in a society. So to tell someone, “Stop comparing yourself to others,” is like asking them to stop breathing. It’s a built in part of us that evolved to keep us safe. So instead, try this: When you see someone that is more successful than you, doing something you wish you were doing, has something you wish you had. Instead of getting down on yourself about how you’re not as good, ask yourself, “How can I be inspired by this person? What are they doing, that I could start doing, so I can improve?” If you can flip that script from feeling ashamed to feeling inspired, you’ll build your self worth instead of destroying it.

These actions allow you to take responsibility for your own self worth.

You’re no longer putting the burden on anyone else to make you feel good. You’re taking your power back.