How many mornings did I stand in front of the mirror, yesterday’s makeup smeared under puffy, red eyes, and start berating myself for yet another failed attempt at sobriety?
“What’s wrong with you?” I’d ask the almost unrecognizable face in the mirror. “Why can’t you just figure this out? You’re such a failure. Your family deserves better than this. Get your act together! You’ve got this beautiful life, and you’re wasting it away because you can’t figure out how to stay sober. Such a failure.”
The self loathing would bubble up to the surface, turning into hate and disgust. I couldn’t stand being who I was. I swore I’d change. I’d try harder. I’d do better.
I’d internalize all that shame, and I’d stay sober that night. Maybe a few more. Then life would get heavy, emotions would get hard, and I’d buy another bottle of wine.
And so the cycle continued. Because it turns out, you can’t hate yourself sober.
Lasting change doesn’t come from shame. Lasting change comes from love.
The way I was talking to myself – the inner voice that was harsh and critical and spewing hate – that would never be enough to motivate me to change. I had to flip the script. I had to find love.
But how was I supposed to find a way to love myself? When I just kept going back to doing everything I said I wouldn’t do anymore?
- I had to learn to love future me
- I had to practice self compassion
There are two exercises that I used to move from shame and self hatred to the kind of love that creates lasting change.
Exercise #1: Get to know future you
I sat down with my journal, and I asked myself these questions:
- What do I want to be doing in 3 months?
- How do I want to spend my time?
- What do I want my life to look like?
- and most importantly, How do I want to FEEL?
I didn’t stop with journaling. I spent some time really getting to know “Julie Three Months From Now”. I thought about her laughing, truly joyful, at things the kids said or did. I listened to her talk about her goals, filled with hope and ambition. I imagined her contentedly spending quiet evenings, complete at peace with her knitting and a cup of tea. I chatted with her. I talked to her. She was so full of love that I couldn’t help but let myself really, deeply begin to love her – this future version of myself.
When the cravings would hit, I’d pause for a moment, and then I’d ask that version of me what she would do. How she would handle it.
And it wasn’t just the cravings that she helped me through. When I was anxious, or when I was angry, she was there to guide me. To offer some loving advice. More than anything, she wanted to help me get to where she was – that place of freedom, of peace, of love.
Maybe it takes a certain amount of crazy to talk to myself like this, but I’ll take crazy. Because it helped.
Exercise #2: Self Compassion
The negative self talk that was dripping with shame had to go.
Even though I didn’t feel like I deserved it, I started learning how to show up with compassion. Even though I didn’t really love myself, I started talking to myself like I did.
“You’re such a failure,” became, “You’re doing a really hard thing. It’s okay to make mistakes while you’re learning.”
I have never been one to do the positive affirmation thing. Telling myself, “You’re doing great!” when I’m quite clearly not doing great just feels like platitudes. (And I know that stuff works great for some of y’all, so keep it up!) But what does work for me is talking to myself like I’d talk to a friend. “Okay. So you screwed up. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a step back. It’s not a complete failure. What are you going to do differently this time?”
This was a constant practice at first.
Quieting the shame and opening your heart to self love aren’t easy tasks. They take work, and practice. They take failing, and coming back to try again. Just don’t stop trying.
In case no one has told you today – you deserve the life you want to be living. And you’re strong enough to create it.
If you’re having a hard time fighting the shame that comes with alcohol abuse, make sure you check out this post.
Julie Miller, RCP is a certified recovery coach. After a decade of too much drinking, she found her way into an alcohol free life and is now thriving. Her recovery is founded in overcoming shame, finding her authentic self, and creating a life so full there’s no space left for alcohol. Through her coaching, podcasting, and the recovery community she has built, Julie has found her purpose in helping others find their way out of addiction and into a meaningful, purpose filled life of freedom.