I was a functioning alcoholic for the better part of a decade before I finally stopped drinking.

I was really good at taking care of all of my responsibilities as a mother and a wife – even homeschooling kids and running a small farm – while still drinking a bottle or more of wine most nights. I could plow through the morning hangover without even letting it slow me down. There was some shame there, for sure. But I just got busy hustling through my day, over achieving and proving to myself and the world that I was just fine.

I hid my drinking well.

They say that you only think you’re hiding your drinking, that everyone really knows. But that’s not always true. No one in my life had any idea how much I was drinking. My husband was often working at night, and when he wasn’t I just worked harder to hide it. My mother once said, “But you didn’t even drink that much!” Most nights, I only had a glass or two of wine while I was cooking and having dinner, and then I’d wait for my kids to be in bed before I’d dive head first into the bottle.

No one saw it.

No one saw me stumbling and slurring. No one saw me looking at my phone with one eye closed because I was seeing double. No one saw me throwing up some mornings, because I’d gone even further than my usual version of too far.

And when no one except you can see what’s happening, it’s easy to ignore it.

In some ways, it’s harder to quit drinking when you’re a functioning alcoholic.

What is a fuctioning alcoholic?

First, let’s acknowledge that some people hate the word “alcoholic”. For ease of conversation, that’s the word I’m choosing here. You could just as easily say “functional problem drinker” or “functional person with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol”. Or maybe “Sobercurious but functional”. Pick whatever term feels more comfortable to you.

So what does it mean to be a functional alcoholic? I don’t think there’s really a scientific definition, so I’ll give you mine: A functional alcoholic is someone who drinks enough that their use of alcohol could potentially cause serious consequences, but they haven’t actually experienced those consequences yet. They try to quit drinking, but they struggle with it because it’s harder than they expected.

And then they run into the Functioning Alcoholic Roadblocks.

As long as they don’t have to face any serious consequences, those road blocks often keep them stuck right where they’re at.

Road Blocks of a Functioning Alcoholic

It’s easy To Rationalize Your Drinking

“It’s not really that bad.”

When there aren’t any serious consequences to contend with, it’s hard to stick to a commitment to make a difficult change. You’re still taking care of all of your responsibilities. Your relationships aren’t damaged (much), you still have your job and perform it well enough, your health isn’t (obviously) in danger. Your life still feels manageable the way you’ve been living it. So when you stop drinking and things get tough, that voice in your head telling you that it’s really not that bad gets to be pretty believable.

Fact: I thought my life was manageable. Looking back, I was only barely surviving it. I just didn’t know how much better it could get, so I settled for good enough. You don’t have to settle for good enough.

You really love your reputation and identity

And people seem to love you for it, too.

Maybe you’re known for being fun and outgoing, always ready for a good time, while simultaneously being able to handle your responsibilities. You’re easy going, usually happy and upbeat (though maybe usually buzzed, too), and you are always the one with a good reason to have a few drinks. You pride yourself on having a reputation for always being able to keep your sh*t together.

Or maybe you’re not the outgoing one. Maybe you’re known for quietly going about your duties, always being reliable and dependable and never sweating the small stuff. Nothing frazzles you or gets you worked up, and everyone knows they can count on you to stay calm and handle even the greatest pressures.

Fact: The version of you that you’ve carefully curated… the version all those people seem to love and respect. There’s a good chance that’s not authentic. When you create a version of yourself for everyone to love, you’re ignoring who you really are – and that can have devastating consequences to your mental health.

The Whole AA Thing Doesn’t Really Connect

Maybe you’ve been to a meeting or two, and felt painfully out of place.

A bunch of people telling stories of their rock bottoms. Wrecking cars, losing marriages and jobs and homes. Your life is so completely different from everything they’re describing. Or they’re telling “drunk-alogues” – stories from their drinking days that completely outpace any story you might share. Their wild days are such a far cry from your two bottles of wine after the kids go to bed.

It’s an instant feeling of not belonging. Of “this isn’t for me.” Which is quickly followed by that same voice that tells you, “I’m not that bad.”

Fact: AA isn’t the only way to stop drinking. It’s important to get help and support, but there are a lot of different ways to do that.

You Never Have To Ask For Help With Anything – And You Don’t Want To Start Now

Not here. Not with this.

High functioning alcoholics are fiercely independent. They rely on themselves for all (or most) of their success. They pride themselves in not having to depend on anyone else.

Asking for help is vulnerable.

Asking for help with a drinking problem is even more vulnerable.

Whenever you let your guard down long enough to let someone know you’re having a hard time, you’re opening yourself up to feelings of shame and judgment. And you’ve worked like hell your whole life, making sure you’re not putting yourself in a place to experience shame and judgment. The idea of letting those walls down now isn’t even a little bit appealing.

Fact: You don’t have to tell everyone that you’re struggling. But you need at least one person that you can trust to talk about how hard this really is, who is going to understand and show up for you without judgment. While it’s possible to get sober without help, it’s a lot harder and it takes a lot longer. Getting a bit of help will make it easier, and it’ll stop you from having to actually reach a “rock bottom” that forces you to quit.

Your Job Practically Requires You To Drink

Okay, so maybe it’s not written in the job description.

But all that networking, the social events, the client lunches and dinners, the schmoozing, or even the mommy wine culture at play groups – alcohol is at the foundation of all of it. It’s just assumed and expected that you’ll be drinking along with everyone else. Are you really supposed to show up and just drink…. water?

This is tough for so many reasons.

You worry about what everyone will think of you when they see you opting for an alcohol-free beverage. You don’t want to have to answer The Dreaded Question: “Why aren’t you drinking?” You worry everyone will assume you’ll have a problem and they’ll look down on you. Being surrounded by a bunch of people who are slowly getting buzzed leaves you feeling boring and isolated. And if you don’t show up at all, your job or your social life are threatened.

It feels like your only option is to show up and awkwardly suffer through yet another event. Doing that over and over for the rest of your life sounds miserable.

Fact: There are all kinds of tools that will make these situations easier. They might be tough at first, but you’ll get comfortable soon. In fact, you might find you’re actually more comfortable, not always having to worry about saying or doing something you’ll regret later. Also – people aren’t paying nearly as much attention to you as you think. I promise.

You Don’t Know How To Deal With Emotions, Except to Numb Them

Stress. Grief. Anger. Self doubt. Pressure.

Most functional alcoholics have learned how to put these emotions away so they don’t get in the way of success. They pride themselves in their ability to do this. When it seems like other people are constantly giving into these emotions, losing control and falling apart, the high functioning alcoholic can quietly reflect on how happy they are that they are always in control of their emotions.

The idea of letting those emotions out, and actually feeling them, seems counterintuitive to everything you’ve taught yourself over the years.

But if you’re using alcohol as a tool to cope and stay numb, you’re not really dealing with your emotions. You’re not controlling them. You’re missing out on so much life, because as it turns out, you can’t selectively numb emotions. If you’re using alcohol to dull the pain of the hard things, you’re also dulling the joy of the good things.

Refusing to deal with your emotions also leads to things like depression and anxiety.

Fact: It’s actually possible to both feel your emotions, and not allow yourself to be completely overtaken by them. In fact, that’s actually the healthiest, most fulfilling way to live.

You Don’t Have Time To Spare for Recovering

Whenver you look for suggestions to quit drinking, you wonder who has time for all that. Because you sure don’t.

Go to a meeting every single day. Create a three hour morning ritual that includes meditation, yoga, and an hour of journaling. Go to the gym every day after work. Pedicures and facials and bubble baths. Take a twenty minute break every time you feel stressed so that you can relax, do some deep breathing, and listen to a meditation. Find new hobbies, like musical instruments, creating art, and baking bread. Listen to podcasts and reading quit lit books. Spend time volunteering and serving others. Find a therapist and make a weekly appointment.

There are only 24 hours in a day. And your 24 hours are already filled up.

Fact: Recovery does take a lot of time and energy. But not forever. And wouldn’t it be better to prioritize some healthy recovery practices for awhile right now, so you don’t eventually find yourself spending 24 hours a day for 30 days in a row at rehab? Might sound harsh, but it’s true. If you don’t choose to make time for your recovery, eventually your life will demand that you make time for it. And you probably won’t like the way that looks.

And for what it’s worth, you don’t have to spend hours upon hours each day working on recovery. It’s all about figuring out what tools work to support your unique version of recovery, and making those things a priority.

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Addressing These Unique Challenges is Necessary For Functioning Alcoholics to Achieve Sobriety

When there aren’t any immediate consequences forcing you to make a lasting change, motivation can quickly waver. When no one thinks you have a problem, and your life is still mostly manageable, it’s hard to justify putting in all the effort it takes to stay sober.

Being a functional alcoholic is like a bird chained to a cinder block. It can fly just fine, but it can only go as far as the chain allows. It may not feel like it, because of course you can’t see into the future. But alcohol is your chain. You can only be as successful as that chain allows. You can only be as happy as that chain allows.

When you cut the chain, you’re free to go as high and as far as you want to. Nothing will be able to stop you.

Functioning alcoholics are strong, determined, resourceful, and brilliant.

Imagine how far you could go if all of that energy was going into something other than drinking, and recovering from drinking.