Content note: This post includes discussion of past suicidal ideation.

Sometimes I forget how bad it really was. I’ve been in such a good place for so long now that when I look back, it’s easy to think, “It wasn’t really that bad. You’re overreacting, making it out to be worse than it was.”

I think we all know that voice.

And the first thing that comes up for me to remind me that it really was that bad is the memory of the night before we went on a family vacation to Hawaii. Maybe it’s such a jarring memory because it was the night before a dream-come-true vacation. Something many people will only ever dream of. And I was in such a dark, terrifying place. 

I was drunk. And I was very much suicidal. I don’t remember how it came about, but I remember having a conversation with my husband, telling him how I felt. How scared I was, how deep the depression ran.

I literally wanted to die, and at the time I believed it was for “no reason”. 

Of course, I can see the reason now. It was deep loneliness. Disconnection. An emptiness that filled my soul, but I couldn’t see it because it was all I’d ever known. And when I finally went to sleep, we woke up and pretended it never happened. And we went on a vacation that looked perfect. 

That breaks my heart for the version of me that didn’t know better. 

That had never experienced connection. That played the part of her life so perfectly that she had forgotten  who she really was. That disconnection from self is so fully and completely destructive. I didn’t have depression caused by a chemical imbalance. I had depression because I had fully abandoned myself in favor of a role in a performance that made my family look the way we needed to look in order for people to love us. 

I drank to numb the pain from all of that. 

Eventually, even the alcohol wasn’t enough. I had no way to escape it. 

That’s when everything changed for me. When I stopped trying to escape feeling that way – and did what was necessary to not feel that way anymore. 

I guess I share this because I know I’m not the only person who’s felt these things. And at the time, I never could have put words to what was happening. I just thought I was miserable “for no reason.”

So I hope that, in my sharing, maybe someone else will gain the words to describe what they’re feeling too. 

Because that’s how we all start healing. 

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If you’re struggling with thoughts of harming yourself, you’re not alone, and help is available. In the U.S., you can call or text 988. If you’re outside the U.S., local resources can be found online.

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If this resonated…

If you struggle with feeling like your life is a performance, be sure to check out this article: Addicted to Praise: When Passion Becomes Performance

When I decided it was time to reconnect with my real self, instead of the version of me I always presented to the world, I quit drinking and quit using social media for a year. You can read about that experience here.